He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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