i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Randomize
