I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
