you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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