i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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