Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We need to rekindle our bromance
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i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
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Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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