He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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