I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
NoShamevember. You game?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood