Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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