The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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