note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
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