I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
