It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
