nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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