After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
