I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
