you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
