My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
