any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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