if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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