this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
