Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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