Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
