Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
