Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
