everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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