I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
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