Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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