break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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