I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
