I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
