I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
