just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
