wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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