Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
