so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
