I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
