textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
