Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize