We won't sleep together?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
