just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
