I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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