Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
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A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
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I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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