Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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