Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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