If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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