Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
