The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
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Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
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I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He did a backflip because drugs
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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