my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
