A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
