I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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