Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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