she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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