First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
