I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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