So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
