hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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